Friday, May 11, 2007

Down the toilet, and coming out clean on the other side?


July. I've decided, after thinking long and hard, everything changes in July. It took me a long time to realize that things haven't worked out in years, despite of the fact that things have been pounded into my head over and over again for a long while. I guess I just chose to ignore the fact that my relationship with Jason has been slowly deteriorating by pretending that nothing was wrong in the first place. We'd go about our lives, things would happen to make one of us explode, have our little talks (or Jay would, I'd just sit there and sulk and eventually burst into tears), I'd sulk some more for a few days and we'd slowly get back into our mindless, boring routines. Until the same thing happens again. And the cycle continues.

I am aware that I am a selfish human being. Sometimes I put my own needs before the needs of the relationship. I didn't want to move out of boring old Milwaukee in the first place, even though I am glad that we did. Because I was comfortable staying put. I hated the fact that Jay was in school, and I had to bear the financial burdens of him being in school, as well as the regular bills that needed to be paid. I didn't work for six months after we moved to Chicago while I get my paperwork straightened out (I am not a citizen of the US, but have since obtained my residency card), and Jay never failed to remind me of the fact that he busted his ass working two jobs in the mean time. Well, I have paid for that and then some, and I hope he never brings it up again. Well, now I have a decent job and I still take care of 80% of the household finances while Jay does I don't know what, wait and work for his big break, I guess. I am not a saint, and I don't like sounding like a bleeding heart but while I understand that these things take time, I, in my fit of selfishness, wish that things were somehow, just different. I wish that Jay has a good job that would afford us to live comfortably. In the end, I'm just a girl who wants to be taken care of. I guess I'm selfish that way.

I hate the fact that I can never effectively communicate my feelings. I'm the type of person who clams up in the face of emotional adversity. Although I think I'm trying. Jay would probably say that I'm not trying hard enough. After 8 years...
You would think I'd get the hang of it.

We make fun of this manager at work, who walks around like he has a song playing in his head 24/7. You know, he has this kind of glazed look on his face. I think I'm the same way. I've been aware of this for a while but I've never wanted to face it. I go through life in a sort of daze, just fantasizing about things that will never be. Instead of working at it, I wish it. Who am I kidding, life isn't like an Enid Blyton book. There are no fairies living in old trees, and no Land of Ice Cream Cakes. I have a great work ethic, and while I don't love what I do, I do it to the best of my abilities and hope like hell that I get noticed. I just wish that life gets easier the more you live it. There I go again, wishing instead of working.

I love Jay to death, and while sometimes I don't feel it, I really do. Although he is difficult to live with. He'd say I'm the one who's difficult to live with. I don't doubt it, I can be a total bitch sometimes. I just wonder how and why he tolerates it. I don't think that he will a lot longer, the signs are there. One day I will wake up and find out he's gone. In a sense, he's almost gone already, I think.

We're probably at that stage where we need counseling, but we can't afford it. I don't think Jay believes in counseling, he's old school that way. Me? I don't know. I'd do anything to save this, and for a while, after we have our "talks" I swear I'd do better but I fall back into the same routine. Over and over again. I don't know why.

So, July it is. The time when things that have been postponed and put on the backburner are taken care of, no bullshit. Even now I'm dragging my feet about the whole thing. I have a list of things that I need to do and while I will probably feel differently tomorrow I am determined to change. For myself. I'm just sick of going through life without a plan, and if I don't do something about it, I will lose a relationship.

I certainly do have issues.

PS. Rambling aside, this is just me feeling sorry for myself. I'm selfish. Deal with it.

2 cheer(s)!:

Chris McManaman said...
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Chris McManaman said...

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